so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
