I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
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