my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
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