Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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