...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
