she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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