Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
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