i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize