Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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