Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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