I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
