i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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