Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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