its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
