before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
