Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
