Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
