When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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