What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
