life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
