make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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