i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
