Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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