JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
