I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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