we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize