We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
