Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
3 2 1 whiskey
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
