Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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