i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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