i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
