he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
