Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize