what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
