apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
