If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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