I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize