I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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