Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I understand Curling. That high.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
