i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
