You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
