you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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