the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
