I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
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