Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
