somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
