hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
