Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
