I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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