I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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