i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
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