Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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