Where did you get a picture of my penis
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
