I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize
