I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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