1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
