I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
