I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
