ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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