i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
