i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize